"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege."
~Unknown

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much."
~Oscar Wilde

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
~Herm Albright

"Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge." ~Isaac Friedmann

"A war is like when it rains in New York and everybody crowds into doorways, ya know? And they all get chummy together. Perfect strangers. The only difference, of course, is in a war it's also raining on the other side of the street and the people who are chummy over there are trying to kill the people who are over here who are chums."
~ Hawkeye Pierce, M*A*S*H [The Interview episode]

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
~Mel Brooks

"Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal."
~Demetri Martin

"If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother." ~Sam Levenson

"If I ever die of a heart attack, I hope it will be from playing my stereo too loud."
~ Anonymous

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."
~Bill Cosby

"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."
~Benjamin Disraeli

"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment."
~Dave Allen

"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."
~Al Franken


"Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one."
~Jane Howard

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron."
~ George Carlin

"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
~Oscar Levant

"There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva."
~Josh Groban

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
~Steven Wright


Random Quotes:

"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"Cheer up, the worst is yet to come."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

"Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives."

"Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking."

"I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out."

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you."

"My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states."

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car…."

"Your kid may be an honor student but YOU’RE still an IDIOT!"

"The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"